Deconstruction
A few weeks ago, I was hanging with some friends and we were talking about faith. This is not odd. I always find myself in conversations, with believers, skeptics, questioners and seekers, that eventually include topics like spirituality, organized religion, and Jesus. While I personally do not have a deep need to bring this stuff up, I am grateful that many of my friends trust me enough to ask hard questions and confess honestly about their journeys. I did not expect this conversation to be that different from others I have had over the years. I was so wrong.
One of my buddies was unpacking some of his deconstruction of the Christian faith. As he spoke from a place of vulnerability, he looked over at me and said, "But this is nothing new for you Derrick. You had your deconstruction years ago right? You've already come through on the other side of this!" In that moment, I realized that I had never given these guys enough information about my own faith journey for them to know whether that statement was true or not. We did not spend too much time on my buddy's assertion, partly cuz my other friends assumed the same thing. We just kept talking. As I drove home, a statement continued to chime in my head like a church bell: Derrick, you cannot ignore this. I could not just let this question pass like it wasn't significant. Because the truth is...
I am always in the midst of faith deconstruction.
It would take volumes to unpack the above sentence. There is just so much to share as my journey of faith has never been simple. It has come with twists and turns, ups and downs, lukewarm moments and blatant hypocrisy. In one sense, my faith in Jesus and His love for humanity is rock solid. In another sense, I have questioned (and continue to question) every nook and cranny of my faith tradition. What maybe the weirdest part is that I really like listening to doubts about God. I like conversations about doubt, podcasts about doubt, movies about doubt. PAUSE.
Have you ever watch Dogma by Kevin Smith or the Last Temptation of Christ by Martin Scorsese? Incredible films. I could watch them over and over. So many great lines and compelling scenes. But they are not for the faint of heart. If you are easily offended, this is a suggestion to NOT watch them. But if you are looking for some good movies about doubt, you are so welcome. UNPAUSE.
I really like talking about doubt. And yet, I give the vast majority of my time and energy to helping college students navigate their doubts so they can develop their own faith into adulthood. I often say to them, "in this world, two things can be true." For me, I am a man of deep faith. I am also a man with significant doubts.
My experience has taught me that true faith depends on not having an answer to every hard question; a crystal clear reason for every tough decision; a logical road map for every sudden change in the life plan. Faith and doubt do not co-exist easily, but they have their place on the journey. So to my friends out there who think I have moved on from deconstruction, I am here to tell you -- deconstruction is where I live and it is where I find Jesus everyday.