Lions and Bears
In this series of posts, I am sharing some of my journey as a follower of Jesus who is also gay and reflecting on the story of David and Goliath. Now this is a long post friends - maybe a 10-12 minute read. But I think it's a story worth telling.
“You can’t go out and fight this Philistine,” Saul answered David. “You are still a boy. But he’s been a warrior since he was a boy!” (1 Samuel 17:33)
I mean, Saul isn't wrong. If people were taking bets on this fight, are they really putting their money on the boy with stones or the giant with the sword? David's passion and sense of duty is what brings him to the front lines of the battlefield, even if he may be 'punching above his weight.' Then again, Saul isn't completely right either. The story continues:
“Your servant has kept his father’s sheep,” David replied to Saul, “and if ever a lion or a bear came and carried off one of the flock, I would go after it, strike it, and rescue the animal from its mouth. If it turned on me, I would grab it at its jaw, strike it, and kill it. Your servant has fought both lions and bears. This uncircumcised Philistine will be just like one of them because he has insulted the army of the living God. “The Lord,” David added, “who rescued me from the power of both lions and bears, will rescue me from the power of this Philistine.” (1 Samuel 17:34-37)
I hear David saying here, "You don't know me! You don't know what battles I've fought!" After David tells his 'lions and bears' story, Saul sees him differently. He realizes that while David is young, he isn't naive. David knows that life, even the life of a shepherd's son, can be a battle. And he is here for it!
I'll say it again, we are all David. I think we have all been underestimated at times because folks in our lives were not aware of the stuff we've overcome. I have learned that telling the stories of the lions and bears we have fought is a part of how and why we must take off armor that doesn't fit. To continue wearing armor that doesn't fit denies the unseen and untold victories that have given us to courage to step onto the battlefield. So let me tell you about some of my lions and bears.
As I have said, I knew from age 4 that I was attracted to the same gender. It was a core understanding I had about myself before I even knew what being gay really meant. It did not help that I was called names by my school mates. I got used to being called faggot and sissy (and watching my younger brother get into fights to defend me). But oddly, those names never really sunk in during those early years. I kind of knew what the words meant, but it just seemed like I was just an easy target and nothing more. If I am honest, I did not really think these kids were smart enough to know something so profound and deep about me. (because I was also arrogant and elitist from a young age.) Looking back, I wonder if the Holy Spirit was protecting my heart in those formative years. Regardless, it was in my teens that those names came to mean something to me.
When I was 12, I fell into a deep depression. It was severe - I hated myself and wanted to die. While I have told this story many times, I rarely reveal that the catalyst for this adolescent darkness was finally being able to put into words that core understanding of my sexuality. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when it happened; but all of a sudden, the insults I received during those early years finally landed. “They were right.” And then I followed my desires and feelings, though hidden and never acted upon, all the way way back to age 4. I was smart enough to know that I hadn’t done anything to bring this on, and yet I couldn’t act like this wasn’t true about me. What’s more - Jesus knew all of this as well. There’s so much I can say here but I’ll fast forward to the conclusion I came to: Jesus created me in order to reject me. I was a walking abomination; eternally and hopelessly flawed. This was my final conclusion and the reason I fell into depression. For the next 5 years, I struggled with my value, sense of self, worth and place in God’s family. It was a tough 5 years.
The depth of my despair is so hard to put into words. The constant repetition of self-rejecting messages I told myself, reinforced with a theological understanding that led to my self-condemnation made activities like studying, eating, making friends and at times sleeping extremely difficult. I did not want my family to think my condition was due to a lack of love from them. I know that had I told them what was happening, they would've moved heaven and hell to get me the help I needed. So I put on a good act and just suffered alone - but I wasn't alone.
As the self-destructive messages kept turning in my head, and the normal ups and downs of teenage life confirmed that I was unlovable, this tender but deliberate Voice would interrupt my mental programming with a 'I love you.' I knew it was Jesus. I was raised to believe it was Jesus. And I had no reason to not believe it was Jesus. But I thought He was mistaken. He loved me because He loves the world. He loved me because I prayed the prayer and went down into the water. But He doesn't LOVE me. He couldn't love me because the Text says I am a walking abomination. This is where I was. I honestly thought He’d give up, that the Voice would go away, that Jesus would figure out that I wasn't worth the trouble.
But He never did.
His word to me was consistently, “I love you, you are fearfully and wonderfully made, you are the apple of my eye!” As tough as this season was, I learned to distinguish the voice of Jesus from all the other voices I was hearing. We have a saying in church world: what the enemy meant for evil (years of depression), God meant for good (I learned how to hear the voice of Jesus). At age 17, I had heard enough and I decided to trust that Voice. I fought the lions of depression and the bears of self-rejection and came out on the other side to tell the story! I can confidently say that I have never experienced that level of despair since then.
But y'all - I was still gay.
Of all the healing I received from Jesus, I found myself still attracted to men. What good was not being depressed if I was still experiencing the feelings that made me hate myself in the first place? I would spend the next 20 years working out my salvation with much fear and trembling and hard work and armor that did not fit. There are more stories to come; but let's go back to David for one more moment.
“Go!” Saul replied to David. “And may the Lord be with you!” (1 Samuel 17:38)
Do you think that maybe the reason why Saul says, "may the Lord be with you" is because David's lions and bears story is a testimony that the Lord was indeed with him - had been with him and would continue to be with him? I think so. That's often what happens when we tell the stories of the unseen and untold battles. These stories matter because they remind us that if we've overcome the lions and the bears, the giants ahead are probably not that different. What's more, we overcame the lions and the bears without that armor that doesn't fit. It once again raises that question, if the armor doesn't fit and we didn't need it before, why keep it on now?
I have been preaching for almost my entire adult life; sharing stories about my ups and downs, wins and losses, joys and sufferings - but I have always kept my real lions and bears stories hidden behind the armor. It is so freeing to tell them now because the story of my adolescent depression is also part of the reason I believe Jesus is real. The love of Jesus saved me from myself. My lions and bears story is the testimony that God is with me. Now friends - it would be a waste for me to write these posts about being gay and a Christian just to give you extra reading material. Y'all - we are all David and we all need to tell our lions and bears stories so we can see how pointless ill-fitting armor is; and how strong is God who is with us.
In May 2020, I came out as a gay man who follows Jesus. I talked about my journey using the story of David and Goliath and the image of armor that doesn't fit. Take Off the Armor is currently a 9-part series, starting with the first set of posts where I went public with my sexuality, talked about my adolescent depression, acknowledged the "older brother" voices, confessed to my own silence and hiding, and pointed to much more interesting things about me. I followed up a few months later with three posts outlining the things I did to prepare to come out: I got a therapist, I found my people, deepened my trust in Jesus. My last update was a posted in May 2021. Thanks for reading, friends!