Silent in the Background
I am continuing this series of posts where I share some of my journey as a follower of Jesus, coming out as a gay man and reflecting on the story of David and Goliath in 1 Samuel 17. Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 are the background and lead up to this post. In Part 4, I want speak directly to those whose armor is similar to mine and may not be fitting as well as they want. Felt like an 8-minute read. Thanks for reading friends!
What do you think it was like to be a soldier in Saul's army watching the David and Goliath story play out? We can only imagine the experiences of the silent voices - the folks who found themselves on the sidelines of the unfolding drama. Though their names are not mentioned and their perspectives unheard, their story must be wrapped up or at the very least affected by the armor-less boy who slays a giant. We can confidently assume that God is speaking to all of us whether we are in the middle of the battle or watching from the wings. There are no small parts in God's story; but some of us have yet to find our courage to step into the light.
As I said in the last post, my 20s was an attempt to be so absorbed in the work of the church that there would be no room for my attraction to men. I thought that if I worked really hard, maybe this attraction would just go away. I prayed, went to counselors, listened to ex-gay testimonies and did my best to reject what was underneath the armor.
I tried to muster up enough affection to ask a few women out; and I was able to date some of them as well. I always felt dishonest in not sharing this truth with them; but also and more so afraid that sharing the truth would make a real relationship untenable. Honestly, there were other reasons, like my pride and lack of emotional availability, that caused the end of those relationships. But all the effort, work, prayer and intention wasn't changing the fact that the attraction never went away. As I entered my 30s, I repressed my confusion believing that I just needed to keep working hard. So I did - ill-fitting armor and all.
During this period, I did my best to stay away from roles and opportunities that might betray my armor-hidden identity. Now if you knew me during my 20s and early 30s, you would't believe that last statement. It was during this period that I started to really come into my own as a leader and communicator - especially in the field of campus and college ministry. I was (and continue to be) blessed to work with incredible young adult leaders both in church-based college ministry and also in founding a United Methodist campus ministry that I am still a part of today. We worked hard trying to be faithful with our ministry to college students. And that often meant I needed to be okay with stepping out in front and being a voice to, for, and with the next generation. I believe I did that as best as I could. But there were many messages I never gave, many commitments I was afraid to make and even some Christians I did not get too close to. It was more than imposter syndrome, it was at times a blatant denial of the lions and bears victories I experienced and a refusal to truly respond to the voice of Jesus in my life. I just did not want my armor to fall off. So I stayed away from anything that would cause anyone to raise questions about my sexual identity.
PAUSE (I do the PAUSE thing to tell the story or make a tangental point then UNPAUSE to get back to the main point I am trying to make. It's probably annoying and amateurish - just give me another 50 or so blogs to break the habit okay?)
Many of you may not know this, but theatre was a huge part of my formative years. I learned so much from attending auditions, learning lines, receiving direction and trying not to miss my cues on stage. Though I loved the performing, I have to admit that I lacked the ambition needed to really make a career of theatre. And as my passion waned, so did my interest in working hard to get prominent roles in shows. I am willing to bet that my middle and high school teachers knew this - that time I dropped out of dance class saying that I didn't have the discipline, those auditions I waited till the last minute to prepare for cuz I ran out of time, the roles I decided not to pursue cuz I was too busy with other things. Some of us know we have been called to take risks, put ourselves out there and let our raw courage shine in front of the world. But the cost of stepping into the light is being seen. You don't have to worry about remembering lines and giving hours to rehearse blocking if you stay in the background. I can see the faces of my teachers right now wondering why I didn't make better use of my gifts during my teenage years. Who knows where I'd be if I had just stayed in dance class?
UNPAUSE
As I navigated this desire that I could not get rid of and did my best to keep up appearances; I noticed folks inside the Church who decided to take off their armor and allow the world to know the truth about their identities. No one coming out story is like another, but I could feel their pain as these folks risked relationships and roles to be true to how they believed God made them. At times, I remained silent when some of the older brothers went from asking questions to distancing themselves from these queer siblings in the faith. There were times that I even echoed the concerns and modeled the behavior of the older brothers for fear of being found out myself. I could go on, but my truth is that even while I was struggling to keep the armor from slipping, I felt a slight amount of relief that no one was watching me. So I did all I could to stay in the background.
I deeply regret the times I did not show up as a friend and advocate for my queer siblings in the faith. I am disappointed that I could've been an ally in the past, but chose to stick to the talking points I was given. There is much I wish I could do over; and yet I imagine that those who went before me in taking off the ill-fitting armor probably get it. They remember what it was like to consider what coming out would do to their relationships. They still feel the anxiety of holding up armor and trying their hardest not to be seen. Like me, they once played the no-name character in the story of holy inclusion. And in God's timing, the Spirit gave them the courage to step into their own 'David' moment. When their giant fell, I was silent on the outside; but cheering with tears underneath my armor. Their courage would not be soon forgotten. They showed me how to be brave and trust the God of unseen and untold victories; and now I am following in their footsteps.
To the folks reading this post who are afraid to be honest about armor that doesn't fit, I want you to know that I see you and I am with you. You are not lost in the crowd and you are loved whether you take the armor off or not. I want to be clear that the only reason I stepped away from the background role, took off the armor of hiding my sexuality and stepped into the light by coming out publicly was because I believe Jesus asked me to do it. There were voices inviting me to do so many things from completely ignore my attraction to men to coming out before I was ready. I am grateful for the friends who stood by me when I wasn't sure I would take off the armor; the people who trusted the Spirit of Christ in me more than a particular position on human sexuality. The if, when, how and who are between you and Jesus. But wherever you are in the process, you are not alone. At the end of the day, it's all about following Jesus and learning to trust Him to lead us. When the time is right, you will find courage to step into the light and play the specific role that will point everyone to the Main Character in the story God is telling in the world.
In May 2020, I came out as a gay man who follows Jesus. I talked about my journey using the story of David and Goliath and the image of armor that doesn't fit. Take Off the Armor is currently a 9-part series, starting with the first set of posts where I went public with my sexuality, talked about my adolescent depression, acknowledged the "older brother" voices, confessed to my own silence and hiding, and pointed to much more interesting things about me. I followed up a few months later with three posts outlining the things I did to prepare to come out: I got a therapist, I found my people, deepened my trust in Jesus. My last update was a posted in May 2021. Thanks for reading, friends!