The Armor Doesn't Fit
King David is one of the most famous characters in the Bible. David is known as the man after God's own heart as well as ancient Israel's greatest monarch. He's also a flawed man who makes mistakes and has blood - literally and figuratively - on his hands. In many ways, we are all David. Like us, he is a human with incredible traits worth celebrating that live alongside characteristics worth condemning; all while having a sense of destiny in his heart and a desire to do what is right - most of the time. This is one of the things I LOVE about Scripture. It has a way of telling our stories; we read Scripture but Scripture often reads us.
For instance, I have always seen myself in the story of David and Goliath. This isn't shocking right - when you aren't even 5 ft 4, middle schoolers can look like giants. Early on, I was encouraged to hear a story about a young boy who slays giants. It gave me hope that being small wasn't a disqualifier in life. It's a great story and if you haven't read it check it out in 1 Samuel 17.
I'm gonna skip all the things I could talk about and go straight to the powerful turning point in the story. Around v. 38, we know that this young guy David, probably 16 or so, feels compelled to fight the warrior-giant Goliath in defense of Israel, and Israel's God. Saul, the king at the time, has the boy put on his armor. More than likely, David has never worn battle armor before and probably not been this close to a battlefield either. So when he puts on Saul's armor, it's no surprise that the armor doesn't fit. You can picture the helmet swallowing up his head; and him barely able to lift Saul's sword as he struggles to walk. The armor that is supposed to protect him doesn't fit; it actually holds him back and keeps him from exercising the strengths that he, though a novice, brings to the battle. In this moment, David is faced with a choice: go out in the battle with armor that doesn't fit, or take off the armor and risk vulnerability on the battlefield.
And here I will say it again, we are all David. We are all tempted to wear armor that makes sense for someone else, but actually doesn't fit us. What is meant to protect us actually has a way of limiting us. And if we don't risk the vulnerability, we find ourselves unable to move and play the role our passion, and for many of us our God, wants us to play in the story. When the armor doesn't fit, you have to take it off.
[EVERYBODY TAKE A DEEP BREATH.]
So when I was 4 years old, I knew three things: 1) I knew Jesus loved me. 2) I knew I wanted to be a husband and a father. 3) I knew I was attracted to men. While I could not have said all that in words at age 4, these are core understandings that I have always known about myself. This series of posts is specifically about point number 3.
For most of my life, I was fine staying 'in the closet.' This was the armor I felt like I was supposed to wear to be in ministry and to live confidently in our society. Reading the Bible from age 6, I was well aware of what the Bible and the Church said about homosexuality. But I wanted to live my life for Jesus. I wanted my life to count and I wanted to do great things on behalf of the Church. Wearing this armor seemed like the only way to achieve that. You need to know that the armor really did not fit me. It not only hid my sexuality, it hid some of the most interesting and profound things about me, my story and my journey with Jesus. It caused me to act in ways that were contrary to my true, God-inspired nature. Most importantly, it kept people from getting to know and love the real Derrick. It's hard to trust people when you secretly believe they will walk away if you take off your armor. Though the cost was great, I was willing to wear the armor - to stay in the closet.
Somewhere during the fall of 2016, I think I heard Jesus ask me to come out publicly - to let truth set me free - and to do it for Him. It was the last thing I wanted to do. If I took off this armor - told people this one thing I knew about myself since I was 4, it would be the end of my world. But if you know me, you know that I cannot ignore the leading of Jesus in my life. This leading was confirmed for me over and over again. And every time I have followed His voice by faith, my life has worked out beautifully. So after months of hoping for another way, I said yes to taking off the armor. I have spent the last 3 years preparing to write this post and make this statement: I am a follower of Jesus; and I am gay.
[TAKE ANOTHER DEEP BREATH.]
We put on armor for many reasons. But the most obvious one is that for most of us, life is a battle. So it makes sense that we would put on coverings to protect ourselves. But as Brene Brown has taught us, and Jesus Christ has modeled for us, vulnerability is strength. It has taken every ounce of my courage to take off this armor and step onto the battlefield that is everyday life. But you know what I have learned - I am not the only one who was wearing armor that did not fit. And if me telling some of my journey over the next few posts gives another David reading this post courage to take off her armor and trust her God-given strength, then I call that a giant slain.
So friends - if the armor doesn't fit, take it off.
In May 2020, I came out as a gay man who follows Jesus. I talked about my journey using the story of David and Goliath and the image of armor that doesn't fit. Take Off the Armor is currently a 9-part series, starting with the first set of posts where I went public with my sexuality, talked about my adolescent depression, acknowledged the "older brother" voices, confessed to my own silence and hiding, and pointed to much more interesting things about me. I followed up a few months later with three posts outlining the things I did to prepare to come out: I got a therapist, I found my people, deepened my trust in Jesus. My last update was a posted in May 2021. Thanks for reading, friends!