The Most Interesting Thing
This is probably my last post in the Take Off the Armor series. Click these links to check out Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4. In this post, I want to give a final word as to why I started this series.
When the Philistines saw that their hero was dead, they fled. The soldiers from Israel and Judah jumped up with a shout... - from 1 Samuel 17:51-52 CEB
When the giant fell dead, Saul's skepticism, Eliab's questioning and everyone else's silence almost disappear under the sound of shock, relief and celebration from Israel's army. I cannot speak for David, but if I could I would declare that while the shouts of joy from those who had been silent were affirming, their reaction was not the reason why he stepped onto the battlefield. I hope David had more reasons to confront Goliath than to prove his older brother wrong or gain a reward from King Saul. While David's act of bravery would inspire many songs and stories that would be told for the rest of human history; I want to imagine that for this young man, this vulnerable step of faith was just another day in the life of David and his God versus the lions and the bears. If you haven't been able to tell, I am greatly encouraged by the life of David and specifically emboldened by his courage in 1 Samuel 17.
But I do not think his victory over Goliath is the most interesting thing about him. (Pardon me while I take one paragraph to geek-out on the Bible!)
I know slaying a giant without armor is no small thing, and clearly this moment has inspired readers for thousands of years; but I think what happens to David in the chapter before Goliath is A LOT MORE interesting. In chapter 16, David is anointed to be the next king of Israel. This is the story that is happening underneath and around the story of David stepping onto the battlefield for the first time (Ch.17). When Eliab scolds David, the older brother has to actively forget that he watched the Prophet Samuel anoint his younger brother - which means the spoils of this battle will eventually pale in comparison to what a king will have in their possession (see 1 Samuel 17: 25-30). And when David is talking to Saul prior to battle (see 1 Samuel 17:31-39), somewhere in his mind he knows one day he'll probably wear that crown; and unlike the armor, it will fit because it is his God-given destiny. I don't know about you, but imagining David with that memory in his head as he confronts the Philistine giant adds a layer to the story that becomes more than just a battle of good versus evil. So I maintain - David defeating the giant is not the most interesting thing about him. David knowing he's gonna be Israel's king one day and stepping onto the battlefield on his own terms is A LOT MORE interesting to me.
(Bible geek-out moment done)
There are several reasons why I waited so long to come out publicly. One reason is quite simple - it is not the most interesting thing about me. As I have slowly revealed my truth to trusted friends over the years, I have commented that my sexuality is one of the least important details about my life. And well, it's kind of true. For most of my adult life, I have been a relatively happy, single guy living a super busy and fast-paced life. Up until recently, I did not think that having a partner was something that was available to me partly due to my extremely full life. And even now, I am not at a place where I am really looking to date (so no match making y'all)! My ministry, my friendships and my house pets are the most important parts of my life at the moment. But more than that, the fact that I am attracted to men and have found a way to reconcile that reality with my faith in Jesus, though profound, actually tells one very little about me. This detail is less of a 'aha!' and more of a 'uh-huh'. There is so much more to Derrick than my attractions. All of this probably begs a question: if this is not the most interesting thing about me, why make a big public announcement and write an entire series about my sexual identity?
PAUSE
Before I answer this question, it is important that you carefully choose the sound of my voice and image of my posture as you read the rest of this post. You might be tempted to hear a tone of anger, but that is not my intent. You might envision me in a bit of a frustrated rage, but I can assure you that very few have seen that side of me in years. You might think I am calling someone out or trying to start a revolution; but I actually feel like an actor on stage who is about to give a long, overdue monologue but can't see past the orchestra pit for all of the drastic lighting. I am not directing these words at anyone. Maybe the best image I can give you for the rest of this post is the beer-tender who yells LAST CALL 15 minutes before closing. Not mad. Not upset you are here. But at some point, words have to be said loud enough for the drunk guys in the back. Can you picture it? I hope so, because I mean nothing but love with my answer to the above question.
UNPAUSE
If this is not the most interesting thing about me, why make a big public announcement and write an entire series about my sexual identity?
Because this detail, that is not the most interesting thing about me, has the potential to shape people's opinions of me and also determine what I am allowed to do in the Church and in this world. This detail that most of you heard about in the last few weeks, has caused some who have heard me worship, experienced my leadership and witnessed my faith to now question if I love Jesus, have a high view of scripture or will go to heaven. I know that is not all of you who are reading this post. I know that what I just wrote probably makes some of the older brothers and silent bystanders feel like I am generalizing you and your questions/concerns about human sexuality and faith. I know you are not of one mind. I know you are still discerning. I know many of you are trying to find a middle way in reconciling this one, not very interesting yet extremely divisive detail. I get it.
But I also know that this isn't just my story. Many of my queer Christian friends would affirm that their identity is not the most interesting thing about them. Important? Yes. A part of their story? Yes. But the most interesting? Not by a long shot. The labels we claim and the pride we have is more about reclaiming what is true and good about us in a world that ignores our God-given dignity. You'll make the mistake to assume that simply knowing our label tells you all you need to know about us. There is so much more to us than this one detail. Further, we must admit that this not very interesting but extremely divisive detail has caused far too many of my LGBTQ+ siblings to be dismissed from the life of the Church. Far too many have been silenced from telling their lions and bears stories to the world. Far too many have been denied basic human rights while the rest of us (me included) stood by silent. And far too many have been judged for their mis-steps on life's journey even though we know that none of us - NONE OF US - have our shit together. This detail, that tells you so little about us, becomes the primary detail that determines so much for us.
When the non-interesting things about us get used against us, it is extremely difficult to trust people with the really interesting things. This goes beyond sexual and gender identity - it gets to the very heart of community and belonging. We look at people and assume we know what's interesting about them; and that distraction causes us to miss their bigger story. And we all miss out on loving and being loved. I came out publicly and wrote this series because I believe the Holy Spirit is pouring out the love of Jesus over every human being and no one, regardless of the details, should miss out on that - including me.
Over the last 10 months, I have been in therapy to prepare for this moment. The first thing I said to my therapist was, "I am here to get the internal strength to come out publicly next year." It was several sessions later that I realized I was in counseling for something far more important than the big announcement. In one of our more powerful sessions, my therapist said: "you cannot love and be loved, and also be self-protective." That statement opened up the heavens for me. That statement changed all of the motivations around coming out publicly. That was the statement that took me to a young shepherd who decided to take off his armor and let his God-given vulnerability be his strength. You cannot love someone whom you do not know; and I need to be loved and desire to love because as Henri Nouwen says, "being the beloved constitutes the core of our existence." My attraction to men is not the most interesting thing about me. But I want you all to know that small detail so you can love the real me and hopefully, I can love the real you; and we can get on to the more interesting things about me - like the fact that it took me 17 years to get my undergraduate degree. That's a much more interesting story!
May you experience the deep love of God that is available to all of us.
In May 2020, I came out as a gay man who follows Jesus. I talked about my journey using the story of David and Goliath and the image of armor that doesn't fit. Take Off the Armor is currently a 9-part series, starting with the first set of posts where I went public with my sexuality, talked about my adolescent depression, acknowledged the "older brother" voices, confessed to my own silence and hiding, and pointed to much more interesting things about me. I followed up a few months later with three posts outlining the things I did to prepare to come out: I got a therapist, I found my people, deepened my trust in Jesus. My last update was a posted in May 2021. Thanks for reading, friends!