TOTA: Update - Part 2
September 1, 2020
In May 2020, I came out as a gay man who follows Jesus. I talked about my journey using the story of David and Goliath and the image of armor that doesn't fit. If you are new to this series, you can check out the first 5 posts where I first went public with my sexuality, talked about my adolescent depression, acknowledged the "older brother" voices, confessed to my own silence and hiding, and pointed to much more interesting things about me.
Now almost 4 months since I started this series, I wanted to provide an update and explain some of the work I did in preparing to take off the armor. For those who have been resonating with my journey, this part of my story might be the most helpful for you to know. In the first update, I wanted you to know that I got a therapist.
The second thing I want you to know is I found my people.
Some would be surprised to know that I actually started coming out to a small group of people in my early-mid 20s. At that time, it was more so a desire for a few people to know the truth about me. Even with the armor on, I still wanted and needed community. As I began to embrace my sexuality in my 30s, my need for community became stronger, even as my trust in Christians’ ability to accept me weakened. I was not ready to take the armor off, but I wanted to find some people that I could simply say ‘this armor doesn’t really fit’ without fear of being rejected. It took some bravery, but I eventually found my people.
When I say ‘I found my people’, I mean I found folks who were willing to champion me as a whole person - not just as a gay person. This point was super important to me as I did not want my sexuality to be the pre-occupation nor the silent elephant of these friendships. I gave these folks permission to speak to my whole life. We talked about my sexuality. But we also joked about it, and prayed about it. And when we were done with that subject, we talked, joked and prayed about the other 90% of my life. You see, finding my people was more than finding folks who would affirm my sexual identity. It was also, and in many cases more so, about finding people who were willing to celebrate, speak into, question and call out other areas of my life.
One of the things I regularly tell my college students is "go get your village!" Often, young adults are so focused on finding a romantic partner that they neglect their primal need for friends, mentors, pastors and colleagues. Some end up crushing their partners with the weight of their emotional needs. Others get to the other side of college or the end of a relationship and find themselves clueless at how to make friends. And while my experience is with college-aged young adults, I know of too many folks over 30 who feel isolated in their own families because, in my opinion, they never found their people. So you may have found your life-partner, and you may feel good about your family. But you need a circle of folks beyond romance and family that will be with you through multiple seasons. While this is not easy, I firmly believe it is essential to emotional and mental health.
When you pair counseling that was helping me value my experience with friends who were invited to speak into my whole life, you have a recipe for incredible growth and immense courage. All it cost me was my vulnerability and my ego. As I began formulating my plan for coming out, I leaned on my people - my village. I could not have done it without them.
Bottom line: find your people! Find the folks (friends, colleagues, leaders, kinfolk, and others) who know that taking off your armor is just one of many courageous decisions you must make to be true to who you are. Find the people who will cheer for you and challenge you, stand up for you and stand up to you. If it wasn’t for my friends, I don’t think I would have had the courage to come out.
Let me say one final word to those who are not sure how to find your people. Last year, CCW produced a series of podcasts on what we call the Relational Model. It has helped many of our students be intentional about finding their people. It is not everything, but it may be good place to start. If you are interested in listening to that series, I have made those episodes available here on my site. I hope you find them helpful.
Thanks for following me on this journey.
In May 2020, I came out as a gay man who follows Jesus. I talked about my journey using the story of David and Goliath and the image of armor that doesn't fit. Take Off the Armor is currently a 9-part series, starting with the first set of posts where I went public with my sexuality, talked about my adolescent depression, acknowledged the "older brother" voices, confessed to my own silence and hiding, and pointed to much more interesting things about me. I followed up a few months later with three posts outlining the things I did to prepare to come out: I got a therapist, I found my people, deepened my trust in Jesus. My last update was a posted in May 2021. Thanks for reading, friends!