TOTA: Update Part 1
It’s been almost 4 months since I started this series. On one hand, it has been one of the most affirming and confirming seasons for me. On the other hand, it has also been one of the busiest seasons of my ministry. I can say that most of the things I feared if I came out have not happened. I have had clarifying conversations with family, received unimaginable support from friends and colleagues, and learned that I am not fragile as I listened to those who are disappointed in me. I count all of this as a privilege.
Many coming out stories are full of pain, rejection, loss and sometimes tragedy. That has not been the case for me so far, and I believe that is due to God’s kindness and timing along with the legacy of queer siblings whose bravery to live in truth cost them so much and me so little in comparison. If I’m honest, I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Still wondering if the next Facebook message from someone I knew 10 or 20 years ago will be filled with questions I won’t answer, scriptures others have tirelessly addressed or pain I can’t fix. Every now and then, I wonder if my ‘luck’ will run out and having gay as a label will be a liability for the campus ministry I lead. I still question the loyalty of humans because I’ve seen others suffer simply for being honest. But I don’t question the faithfulness of God. As we used to sing at Tabernacle Baptist growing up, “I don’t believe He brought me this far, to leave me.” I don’t know what comes next, but now more than ever I know that Jesus has me. And that’s enough for today..
I do feel the need to emphasize one thing about my journey. I didn’t wake up one morning in May and decide to write some revealing blogs. I’m not that spontaneous y’all! Through prayer, reflection and counseling I took a year to intentionally plan this announcement. I had no axes to grind, no hidden messages to send, no passive aggressive arguments to settle. I just wanted to be honest for the sake of those whose stories were similar to mine.
I want you all to know this because I have made it this far in part because of the support of my loved ones, but also, the strength I’ve gained from years of Christ-inspired personal work. Let me say it plainly: I did my own work before I asked anyone else to do theirs. I accepted myself before I looked to anyone else to accept me. And I did my best to count the cost and take responsibility for my own honesty. It was hard, gut-wrenching work. It was spiritual, worship at my piano in the middle of the night work. And for those who are trying to figure out how to take off your armor that doesn’t fit, this part of my story might be the most helpful stuff for you to know. So over the next few posts I want to outline three specific things I did in the last year to prepare to publicly take off my armor that didn’t fit.
The first thing I want you to know is I got a therapist.
I’m grateful that in recent years we’ve started to normalize therapy. To be honest, I wish I had started therapy in middle school. One of the greatest gifts of a therapist is that they exist to simply listen and place value on your experience. The weight of this is not only emotionally profound, but is exactly in the character of Jesus. Why does Nicodemus come to Someone whose message and mission threatens his power? Why does the woman from Samaria tell her story to a Stranger? Because their encounters with Jesus included a sense that their story - the clear and the confusing, the victory and the tragedy - had significance enough to be heard.
My therapist often just listens to me ramble and finds the gold in stories I thought were just anecdotal. I cannot tell you the number of times in the last year (actually in the last week) something has happened to me that I normally would dismiss and I say, “she [my therapist] will want to hear about this.” And while we have had many conversations about my sexuality, most of our time has been spent talking about the church, full time ministry, my inability to cry and my unfelt needs from decades of neglecting my own soul. I walked into my therapist’s office to get the courage to come out; I’m getting the tools to live as a whole person where my sexuality is only about 10% of that equation.
Bottom line: if you’re gonna take off the armor, do what you can to get therapy. If you cannot afford a therapist, download every podcast you can on mental health. You’re worth that work. And it has made an incredible difference for me.
More to come! I love you all!
D
In May 2020, I came out as a gay man who follows Jesus. I talked about my journey using the story of David and Goliath and the image of armor that doesn't fit. Take Off the Armor is currently a 9-part series, starting with the first set of posts where I went public with my sexuality, talked about my adolescent depression, acknowledged the "older brother" voices, confessed to my own silence and hiding, and pointed to much more interesting things about me. I followed up a few months later with three posts outlining the things I did to prepare to come out: I got a therapist, I found my people, deepened my trust in Jesus. My last update was a posted in May 2021. Thanks for reading, friends!