TOTA: Update 3
Welcome to those who are just finding this series. And to those who have been with me since the first post in May, thanks for staying with me. The last year has been such a journey; and the last four months have just flown by. It is amazing how living honestly can help you sleep at night, give you more energy and clarify your goals and passion. In some ways, I wish I had come out sooner. But I needed that year to prepare. I needed my therapist to help me place value on my own experience as I participate in the ministry and sharing of Jesus’s love with the world. And I needed my people to remind me that I wasn’t alone and that I wasn’t perfect. Those two things were massively important for me as I prepared to take off armor that did not fit. And the last thing I will share is possibly the most important thing I did. While I got a therapist, and I found my people; all of that was inspired, supported and blessed by one thing. As I prepared to come out, I deepened my trust in Jesus.
I have said on more than one podcast that if Jesus isn’t God, coming out was all for nothing. I really mean that y’all! There were several moments when I wondered if it was worth it; moments when it felt like staying in the closet was a safer and smarter option. I considered the number of non-affirming individuals and congregations that supported CCW, and feared how taking off armor that didn’t fit would financially effect our ministry to college students. In fact, outside of some clear signs from Jesus, I was content to keep the armor on for the sake of my ministry and for rest of my life. But I am a follower of the One who said “the truth will make you free.” Following Jesus makes you tell the truth about your life even if it possibly costs your life.
PAUSE
Let me take a moment to say that following Jesus has been the single most inconvenient decision of my life. I know there are folks who are like, “following Jesus fixed everything” - and praise God for y’all! But for me, following Jesus has made me take the high road, apologize more, stay up later, say no when I wanted to say yes, take my grocery cart all the way back to the front of the store, actually pay all my taxes, delete what I thought were fire social media posts, and at times tip my servers more than 100%. Following Jesus has complicated my life. And it has made me a better human.
UNPAUSE
Following Jesus makes you tell the truth about your life. It was Jesus who first told me that this was a story that needed to be told. It was Jesus who challenged me to let my yes be yes (to inclusion) and my no be no (to exclusion). It was the Spirit of Christ that told me to publish those blogs. And if I’m wrong about all of this, I place my life in Jesus’s hands. Preparing to come out gave me a fresh revelation of what faith means - like Noah building an ark, Abraham following a voice into desert, Moses paying attention to a burning bush; only in the aftermath of the risks does it all make sense. My trust is not in my ability to hear; it’s in Jesus’s ability to get me to where I need to be. And I won’t lie - amidst all the affirmation and support I’ve received from many, it all pales in comparison to the sense I feel that Jesus is holding my hand on this journey.
I know that some of you who are reading these blogs are not followers of Jesus. I see you, I honor your journey and I’m grateful for your place in my life. I acknowledge with you that church-people are at times the last people you’d want to talk to about anything, let alone discussions about sexuality. I get it. And even with all the affirmation I’ve received from fellow Christians, the fact is that many queer folx have been greatly harmed by the Church. In so many ways, the Church has lost the right to speak in moments like this. And yet, there are Jesus-people who want to try and remedy the damage that’s been done. There are Christians who are realizing that Jesus had this tendency to make friends with the kinds of people who were deemed unacceptable by the religious elites. We’re waking up to the fact that when there is no room at the table for queer folx, we are not the Church we were meant to be. We’re trying to get this right.
While the history, actions, posture and rhetoric of Christians is worthy of much critique, I hope you’ll consider that even the most hypocritical Christian is probably one more soul that’s wearing armor that doesn’t fit. We all - sinners and saints, those full of faith and those full of doubt, the hypocrite & the authentic - need a sense that our lives matter and that we are loved eternally. I’ve found that purpose and security in Jesus, and that’s the reason I keep talking about Him. Forgive me if you feel like I’m forcing Him on you as that isn’t my intention. But at my core, I’m still here and out of the closet because of Him. Yes, I got a therapist. And yes, I found my people. But I cannot withhold the one detail that encompasses both of those things and so much more. I’m only speaking for myself, but following Jesus and deepening my trust in Him over the last year has been the single most important decision this gay man has every made.
Bottom line: If you’ve got armor on that doesn’t fit, I want to encourage you to run towards Jesus and not away from Him. I want to remind you that those who love Jesus don’t always speak for Him. I want to remind you that the Bible is a gift from God to God’s people (and one person’s take on it is not and never has been the definitive take) so take your Bible back from those who might use it against you. I want to remind you that the communion table is Jesus’s table, and while some won’t allow you to join in their celebration of the bread and the cup, there are open tables blessed by God that are available to you and your partner. And hear me echo what Paul said in Romans 11:29: “God’s gifts and calling can’t be taken back.” I’ve found that this is especially true for LGBTQ+ folx. So your sexuality doesn’t determine your calling; your gender and ongoing discovery doesn’t determine your calling. YOUR GOD DETERMINES YOUR CALLING. The whole world is waiting for the queer children of God to take their place in the story. Your life, your gifts, your calling is not just about you, but also about those who need to hear the Gospel of Jesus heard in a queer accent.
Get a therapist. Find your people. Deepen your trust in Jesus. I hope this advice is helpful.
Love y’all! Thanks for reading.
In May 2020, I came out as a gay man who follows Jesus. I talked about my journey using the story of David and Goliath and the image of armor that doesn't fit. Take Off the Armor is currently a 9-part series, starting with the first set of posts where I went public with my sexuality, talked about my adolescent depression, acknowledged the "older brother" voices, confessed to my own silence and hiding, and pointed to much more interesting things about me. I followed up a few months later with three posts outlining the things I did to prepare to come out: I got a therapist, I found my people, deepened my trust in Jesus. My last update was a posted in May 2021. Thanks for reading, friends!